Life as a New Mom

I would be lying if I said childbirth was easy.  I have previously written about our birth story and our hospital experience.  I think the difficult childbirth really impacted the relationship that both Brad and I have with Melody.  

After I had Melody, Brad was solely responsible for her.  I could not walk or get out of bed until Friday night.  I delivered Melody Wednesday night after 15 hours in the hospital.  So for almost two days, Brad had to change every diaper, bring her to me for feedings, and pick her up for any reason needed.  That alone created a bond between the two of them that has really stuck.  

I think what impacted their bonding the most was my surgery.  Not to be too morbid, but anytime surgery is involved, there is always the case you won't come out of surgery.  In my case, we really had no time to prepare for the surgery.  I was promptly whisked away to try and contain the bleeding.  We kissed goodbye and said "I love you" literally as I was being wheeled away.  Brad was left in the room alone with Melody.  I can only imagine the feelings and emotions he was experiencing.

Before we started trying to get pregnant, we talked about all of our fears.  One of his fears was something happening to me during/after childbirth and me not surviving.  His fear was becoming a potential reality.  I know the thought crossed his mind that I may not survive, and it would be just him and Melody.  I know the thought crossed my mind while being wheeled back.  

My parents eventually joined Brad at the hospital.  He called my mom as soon as he found out I was going to need surgery, but she had just arrived home, 45 minutes away.  So she turned around and came back.  My dad was at work, but he came back to the hospital as soon as he could.  But the hour or so I was in surgery, Brad fed Melody and spent time with her while in a constant state of worry about me.  This time is what really created the bond between them.  

Brad is extremely protective of Melody.  He is much more attached to her than he ever thought he would be.  He is really involved in everything we do for her.  He feeds her, changes her diapers, bathes her, etc.  Most new dads can't say that.  He struggled going back to work, and it took him five weeks to be ok with just the two of us going on a date and leaving Melody for a few hours.  They have a strong and nearly inseparable bond!  He also wrote an incredibly touching blog post that may or may not have made me cry!

I say all that to describe the bond I have with Melody. It was nothing like I expected.  I truly expected to bond with her instantly after giving birth to her. I mean this tiny human had been inside of me for nearly 9 months. I felt her sweet little kicks and hiccups. I heard her precious heartbeat. And I even felt a few aches and pains she caused me. So I thought for sure the bond I thought I had would continue outside the womb, but it didn't. 

I had the skin to skin contact with Melody the hospitals encourage. I held her numerous times in the hospital. And I breastfed her. But the bond never really happened. Don't get me wrong. I love that little girl unconditionally. I did then and I do now. But I just didn't have that natural bond you always hear about. 

Our last night in the hospital I spent crying...all night long. Part of that was because she would not stop crying, but the other reason was because of how overwhelmed I was. I did not expect this at all. I really felt like I was ready for motherhood. I also spent every night for about two weeks after we were home crying. I didn't cry all the time, but at least once a day. And I'm not talking little tears. I'm talking full on bawling my eyes out crying. I'm 99% positive Brad was convinced I had postpartum depression.  

So I don't know why I didn't bond with Melody in the beginning. I sometimes wonder if I had not had such a rough labor and delivery that maybe things would have been different. If I had been mobile in the hospital, maybe I would have been able to do more with Melody. But at the same time, the bond Brad and Melody have may not have happened. I truly believe I felt overwhelmed because of the surgery. I just didn't feel ready to take care of a baby after such a major surgery and two blood transfusions. Brad was such a HUGE help, but I still felt so disconnected from my baby.  

One day the crying stopped (mine not Melody's). I don't know the exact day, but I do know what helped was getting out of the house. One night, the three of us went and walked around Target. I felt human again. It really was the smallest thing, but when you've spent two weeks at home with a baby and very little outside world contact, it was amazing to get out.  

I also felt tied to my breast pump. Every 3 hours I was pumping. Now some would ask why I didn't nurse. Well that was our decision. We decided it would be best to exclusively pump. So I did. I eventually skipped the 5 am feeding/pumping, but it was still such a stress inducing activity.  We started Melody's transition to formula when she was 4 weeks old. Now at 6 weeks old, I am no longer pumping, and she is almost all formula. We unfreeze some breast milk on occasion. While it may seem selfish to so many, deciding to no longer breast feed/pump has truly been the best decision for our family. That's another blog post discussion for another day, but the big takeaway is that it helped with my feelings of being overwhelmed. 

Now we have confirmed I am not depressed and my feeling of being overwhelmed has majorly decreased, but what about the bond between Melody and me? So when she was about 4-5 weeks old, we started getting out a little more. Now most of these outings were small. We would go to Sonic or visit family and friends, but we would get out as a family. As we got out and she started spending more and more time with people other than Brad and me, I started to realize maybe I was more attached and bonded with her than I truly gave myself credit for. I would get upset if I didn't get enough time with her in a day because she was being held or fed by other family. On our first date night, I just wanted to cuddle with her when we returned and not let her go. And all of her milestones make me wanna breakdown and cry, but not in a depressed kind of way but my baby is growing up kind of way. 

So the point is I truly have bonded with her. It might not have happened immediately at the hospital, but over time it has. And my attachment to her continues to grow. I love her more and more each day and look forward to seeing her continue to grow and reach new milestones. And while my labor and delivery didn't go as planned, it went as needed. I truly think God knew what he was doing that day/evening/morning. I love the relationship Brad and Melody have, and I am not sure it would have ever been so strong without our experience.